Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
