Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
