so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
