i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
