if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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