You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
