her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
