Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
