plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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