miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
