u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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