Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
