I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
