i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
