I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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