theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
