Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
