dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
