True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
