Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
