i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
