I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
COCAINE IS GR8
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
