you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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