I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
