my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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