wakey wakey hands off snakey
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
