Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
