barbara walters just said penis...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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