i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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