"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
