Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
