True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
