how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
