You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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