Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
