everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
