my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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