I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
