I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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