come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
