we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
