I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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