is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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