Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
