When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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