how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
