wrigley field is MILF paradise
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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