I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
