I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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