my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
